Not too long ago, at our weekly Leadership Impact Group, we were reading the book, “Didn’t See It Coming” by Carey Nieuwhof. We had a great discussion on this topic of Character vs. Competency and the compromises we make daily that chip away at our character. If you’re a professional like me, you will agree that we spend a lot of time developing our competencies – the years in school, the professional development training, podcasts, books, mentorship and coaching. We spend countless hours honing our craft and we do it with intention. Often, we don’t devote the same amount of time developing our character because we think that competency, not character, determines our capacity, our capacity to succeed in life.
Carey makes a brilliant case in his book that competency isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. He writes…
“All the competency in the world can’t compensate for a lack of character…You may be smart, but if people don’t like you, they won’t want to work with you. You may be the best software developer in your field, but if you lie, people won’t trust you. You may be able to bring reams of cash into the company, but if you mistreat the people who work with you, they’ll leave or they’ll make sure you do. Lack of character kills careers, shatters families, ruins friendships, and destroys influence…”
He goes on to share these five telltale signs that you may be compromising your character. I found these insightful so I couldn’t resist sharing a brief summary of these:
- There is a Growing Gap Between Your Public Life and Private Life – Your character is compromised when you can no longer tell the world the truth. You project an image of yourself that isn’t accurate. So watch for any gap you see between your words and your deeds. When you talk grace, but you snap at your spouse, kids, and staff, that’s a gap. When you talk financial responsibility with your colleagues, but your personal finances are a mess, that’s a gap. When you say people matter, but you make zero time for anyone in need, that’s a gap.
- You’re Hiding Things – As the gap grows between your real self and the projection of your false self, you won’t want anyone to discover the truth about you. Compromise eventually leads to cover-up. You start misleading and misinforming others whenever you feel ashamed of what you’ve done or what you’ve become.
- You Fail to Follow Through on What You’ve Said – Another sign of compromise is when you commit to things that you never end up doing. That may be a common human condition, but it intensifies as you compromise more and more. You say you want to get together with your parents and siblings, but your real priorities have shifted. You promise to meet up soon because that’s what decent people say, but you just don’t deliver.
- You Justify Your Bad Actions and Decisions – There’s a certain point when you compromise regularly enough that you decide to stop apologizing and instead start justifying. There‘s a reason you are the way you are. When you start justifying your bad behavior and decisions, you begin to believe your condition is inevitable. You shift blame to “circumstances beyond your control”. You convince yourself that if others were in your shoes, they would be just as cynical, unhappy, and compromised as you are.
- Your Life Has Become All About You – When you keep compromising, eventually you craft a life that is almost entirely self-centered. And that’s the opposite of who you know you should be. Any value system worth having is focused on others, not self. The problem, of course, is that people take time, attention, and love. And you don’t have time or energy for that.
You can’t read this without self reflection. Personally, I’ve seen all these signs in my life at different points in time and I know I still have a lot of work to do to keep my character in check. Mind you, this is just a summary of one chapter in this book, there is much more to unpack, which I may share in future newsletters. But I encourage you to grab a copy of the book for yourself.
